Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents"

Be Self-Accountable At all Times

It is easy to blame the other person when something unpleasant happens. You might end up in a situation and look at it externally. This is very prevalent and something common within narcissist families. It is the idea of seeing someone as the enemy when a particular situation occurs. This tactic is used so the focus is not on themselves but on the other’s person’s perceived actions. It also makes you to disregard their own negative behavior, making you see it as normal and acceptable. They portray a ‘poor me mentality’. This may work in the short term. Yet, it does not work at all in the long term. It is not a mature or practical approach.

However, if something unpleasant happens to you, they use it as leverage. They portray it as a weakness on your part. It is totally blown out of proportion. They use not only for you to not take accountability for the situation but making it weigh on your mind. You become fixated on the other thing or person. You see it as the cause of your experience. This perception occurs instead of taking a healthy dose of self-accountability. You don’t take on a ‘poor me’ mentality but rather a ‘shame on me’ mentality. This is used to control you. By taking healthy self-accountability, including negative situations with them, you take power away from the other person. You shift the power onto yourself.

6th Dec 2025
Starting To Identify What You Do Not Want

A difficulty that a lot of us face is not knowing what we actually want. It seems simple at first for the basic things. A lot of us know what restaurant we like to eat at. We also know who our favorite sports team is and our favorite place to go on holiday. Yet, I find that we can get stuck. For our core needs, goals, and aspirations, it becomes more of a challenge.

We may not know how to verbalize or precisely pinpoint what we want yet. But believe me that deep down we really know it, especially as a man. We are meant to be decisive and take charge in what we want. This is something naturally ingrained. We know it when we’re deciding the venue for a date. We know it when we’re wanting a new car. We know it when choosing a property to buy for the long-term. It is important and crucial for a mans development and personal happiness. Instead some of us were not giving the appropriate tools to practice and hone this. This is especially true if you had rigid cult-like household growing up.

You would only be guided to a certain path, though I say that loosely. It was more about control and coercion. For those of certain backgrounds, like African or Indian, you’re typically told that university is the only way. There is no guidance to explore other opportunities for other areas, like the trades and the arts. I believe that this causes most of us to be unsure of what we want. University is less valuable than it was many decades ago. In fact, most degrees are useless unless you want to become a doctor.

Ultimately, it leads you to settle for less not knowing what you truly want. There is another perspective. Instead of focusing right away on what you want, it’s more useful to think about what you don’t want. This has also made it a lot easier for myself. I realized if I uphold no boundaries for what I don’t want, what I want can’t truly happen. It becomes difficult. So by putting together a list or itinerary what you don’t want it creates a blueprint. It is basically the bigger picture, so you should decide on this holistically.

For instance, it can be as simple as not being around people who are always negative. Another idea is avoiding living in a certain city or neighborhood. You can also find certain attributes you do not want in a future partner/spouse. These are just examples. I realized that cutting ties with toxic family members helps. When you go no contact, it becomes much easier recognizing what you don’t want. After being in such an environment, I would accept most things. Later, it shocked me to realize how easy it was to decide what I do not want.

On that note, happy December 1st. It is the start of a new month. Hopefully, you can use this opportunity to start addressing what you truly don’t want. This is something I continuously do. It doesn’t stop. Ultimately, it will lead us all to what we truly want.

1st Dec 2025

#December, #NewMonth, #SelfAwareness, #SelfCare, #SelfEsteem, boundaries, Growth, healing, life, love, menshealth, Mental Health, Positivity, relationships, Scapegoat
Give Thanks to Who You Are!

For my American brothers Thanksgiving means different things to different people. Also, the ways in which it is celebrated differ. The type of food you eat on that day differs. Who you would spend it with also differs, as well as the traditions you engage in. What doesn’t change is that you all would feel thankful for something. Even if you don’t do anything else you can always still be thankful.

I am not an American. Still, I can resonate with the meaning of this US holiday. It doesn’t truly hit close to home. No pun intended. The concept of being ‘thankful’ can be applied to different areas. If you find yourself as the scapegoat within a narcissist family, focus on yourself. Be thankful for who you are. On the surface, this may appear to be selfish and contradictory. For most of us, this is a vital practice. This is especially important during this time of year.

I am thankful for quite a lot, even if all hasn’t gone to plan yet. For one, I am really grateful for being healthy and active. I am also thankful for the great and positive experiences I have had throughout life. I look forward to more of these happening in the future. I also am thankful for positive interactions and relationships which has lead to building a bond and trust with others. I am extremely grateful for my future.

For now, I am being modest in what I am grateful for. Honestly, I could elaborate endlessly. I can probably do a blog post about what I am grateful for about myself. It would definitely come across as pig-headed, but so what. For being grateful, this could be anything. It could be about being a good father or a good friend. It might involve being physically strong or building a great life for yourself. Those are just examples, but I am sure you can come up with a lot to be grateful about yourself.

28th Nov 2025

#Gratefulness, #HolidaySeason, #PositiveSelfLove, #Pride, #Respect, #SelfCare, #Strength, gratitude, healing, life, love, menshealth, Mental Health, Scapegoat
Perfect Man Syndrome is Destructive!

When I was briefly looking at Facebook today I saw a status which described ‘perfect man syndrome’. I then thought that this is something that I have heard other men mention growing up in a toxic environment. It is also something which I can certainly relate to myself. When you’re younger, you’re seen as perfect and infallible but only if you do what is expected of you. This is also because everything is about image to a narcissistic household

Ultimately it backfires as no one can be like this a hundred percent of the time. The goal of a man is not to be ‘perfect’. Instead, it is to be strong and mature. He should make mistakes and learn from them. In such a household, there is hardly anyone to set this example. They try anything to cover up what is really going on. So you should embrace, not sticking to this script of the ‘perfect man’. Narcissists often use this tactic. Still, it reflects their unauthentic nature. It also shows that they are stunted as a person. Hence, why they really never change or get better. Avoiding being ‘the perfect man’ helps you as a man to connect more with others.

21st Nov 2025
Two Tier Rules….

Once I started to become more aware, I noticed something strange. It was happening very subtly, but it started to click. There were certain rules everyone had to abide by. If you were the scapegoat, then the rules automatically applied, especially if you strongly resisted certain demands. Even though it sounds messed up and dysfunctional, it made sense because the narcissistic family acts like a cult. It followed the same patterns as a radical religious or political movement.

Then suddenly, it switches and then the rules are pulled from under the rug. Whether it was an action, lifestyle decision or your demeanor, what was once a rule for the scapegoat changes. It is viewed differently when someone else does it and then the rule no longer applies. This behavior is classic of a main narcissist. It is all an illusion. Imposing rules is used as a control mechanism rather than upholding a tradition. A lot of the times, they manipulate rules under the guise of culture. Over you learn the rules were also there to dedicate and decide the roles different family members have.

I saw this once. It makes you care less about what they think. It also makes you not take them seriously at all. I learnt over time something important. If people have certain demands or standards for you, check if those same standards are applied to others. This is crucial in places like a family, friendship group, workplace, or membership club. If they aren’t, just ignore this. Even, if it applies to others, it still doesn’t mean it applies to you. We’re all individuals.

17th Nov 2025

#Contradictions, #Cult, #Dysfunction, #Liars, #Manipulation, #Narcissism, #NarcissisticAbuse, #Scapegoat, #Truth, #TwoTier
The Patriarchal Scapegoat: How Matriarchal Narcissists Weaponize Masculinity

In my last blog, I discussed the role of misandry in shaping the female matriarch’s perception of men. This perception influences their behavior. I will say one thing though. There is a lot of splitting in how they would view men. This can be seen in how they perceive their father, husband, and even their own sons.

Much of it is compartmentalized. For instance, they categorize all men as bad. This initially applies particularly to men who are of no relation. Then they would see their husband/spouse as a model citizen. They view them as upstanding and having the perfect marriage with them. Yet, behind closed doors, there are many problems, tension, and dissatisfaction between themselves and the spouse.

If the husband is just as toxic and dysfunctional, they never confide to anyone about this. Not even to close family or friends. So no one suspects anything is wrong except their children. The matriarch narcissist will brush this aside. She will encourage them not to tell outsiders. They are urged to keep the image fitting the narrative of the narcissistic nuclear family. They mold their sons into the perfect gentleman. They dictate that the sons have to be a certain way. They must not be like the other ‘bad men’ out there. Indirectly, she scapegoat their sons by seeing them as the problem and not her difficult husband. She imposes that they change their behavior, their friendship groups, and their interests.

The contradiction in this situation means the matriarch narcissist fails to demand the same behavior from her husband. He is just as much a narcissist as she is. In fact, in this type of marriage, they team up in a dysfunctional way. They scapegoat their own sons by treating them as if they’re grown adult men. They set expectations inappropriately. This would also involve treating them differently, depending on their personalities. This involves a lot of splitting. One son can be difficult in general. Still, as long as he is obedient to her, the former does not matter. Another son or even a relative like a nephew appears to be very easygoing. She fails to see that because he can see through the facade and manipulation. So, he would be a scapegoat by her labeling him as difficult, rebellious and head strong. Further associating him with bad men.

This model is very unsustainable and does not last over time. For one, the matriarch’s illusion of the so-called ‘perfect’ husband cracks. Like most narcissists, he gets worse over time. His behavior is exposed to all around them through incidents like imprisonment, infidelity, and being irresponsible with money. The matriarch narcissist infantilize younger male relatives. She latches onto those same people. They can be either sons or nephews. This happens when her marital life becomes more questionable and chaotic. She seeks their help be it financial or emotional support. The roles have reversed. Now the spouse is seen as incompetent. Even if still married, the matriarch narcissist would portray herself as a de-facto ‘single mother’. This is just to gain sympathy and see herself as the victim.

Ultimately, with all of her actions, she seeks to create a male scapegoat. She causes triangulation and division. A father and son turn on each other. More commonly, brothers start to turn on each other. They scapegoat each other. They fail to pin the blame on the Matriarch narcissist, who was the main instigator.

7th Nov 2025

#Co-depedency, #Matriarchy, #Misandry, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #NPD, #Patriarchy, #Relationships, #Scapegoat, #Siblings, #Sons
🔪The Misandric Cage—Why Narcissistic Matriarchs Despise and Control Men
The Lie That Built Our Prison

If you grew up as the male scapegoat in a family led by female narcissists—especially a mother and other key women exhibiting extreme misandry (hatred/contempt for the masculine role)—you lived in an impossible reality.

This family system is a paradox built on a lie: the belief that all men are either dangerous or useless. This trauma-based belief, usually inherited from an abusive or absent father figure, becomes the bedrock of the mother’s emotional structure.

But the central truth of this system is that it doesn’t want you to be either strong or weak. It needs you to be perpetually stuck in between, serving its control.

🎭 The Impossible Double-Bind

The misandric female narcissist (M-FN) places the male in a devastating no-win situation. The contradiction is stark: they demand subservience and compliance, yet they utterly despise men who meet those demands.

Demand 1: Be Subservient and Safe

The M-FN requires men to be passive, compliant, and emotionally available for control. This is the survival strategy for a woman who spent decades fearing male authority.
- The Problem: A man who fully complies and never asserts independence proves the M-FN’s contemptuous belief that men are weak and spineless. She demands this behavior but secretly despises it, as it confirms her own lack of respect for him.
Demand 2: Be Strong (But Never Independent)

Deep down, the M-FN’s innate psychological wiring still craves a partner or male figure who embodies strength, independence, and protection.
- The Problem: When the son (the scapegoat) naturally matures into an emotionally healthy, principled, and autonomous male, he becomes the system’s greatest threat. His self-respect and boundaries are seen as a hostile act of abandonment and a direct challenge to her control.
The result? You are punished for being weak, and you are punished more severely for being strong. This is the cage.

🎯 The Son: The Living Proxy of the Enemy

Why is the son the primary target of this misandry and contempt?
- The Physical Reminder: The son is a biological reminder of the man (or men) who inflicted the original trauma or abandonment. That deep-seated fear and hatred for the male gender is displaced onto the easiest, most accessible male target: the child.
- The Contempt Shield: For other women in the family, the “Mrs. Independent, Men Are Useless” front is a contempt shield. It justifies their failure to maintain healthy relationships and allows them to gain supply via pity and superiority. The healthy, autonomous male exposes the lie of their shield.
- The Plotting Paradox: You will see the M-FNs ally with predictable male narcissists in the family. This is not out of trust; it is out of utility. They will use the known evil (the dysfunctional male) to attack the uncontrollable threat (the emotionally healthy male) because they would rather cling to a controlled tragedy than face an autonomous reality.
💥 The Inevitable Downfall of the Matriarch

The only way to win this game is to recognize that the system is doomed.

I recently observed this in my own mother’s desperate, repeated attempts to contact me after significant life changes. She lost the structure that protected her facade, which exacerbated her neediness and proved that all the life achievements couldn’t fill the internal void.

The Lesson: Narcissistic misery is not a passing phase; it is the inevitable final chapter for those who choose fear, control, and contempt over genuine human connection. They get worse and more pathetic with age because they destroy every support system they have.

Your Path to Freedom

The moment you recognize this double-bind, you step outside the cage. Your actions are your greatest defense:
- No Reaction is Supply Denied: Your silence, especially to things like the wrong name, is the strongest possible boundary.
- Claim Your Identity: Actions like going No Contact, changing your name, and maintaining silence are the ultimate declarations that you are no longer the person they seek to control.
- Choose Sovereignty: You are not responsible for their misery, their trauma, or their narrative. By choosing emotional health, you become the uncontrollable threat that eventually forces their system to collapse—but you are safe outside of the rubble.
Walk away. Stay silent. Be free.
3rd Nov 2025

#BPD, #Feminist, #Gender, #Healing, #Inspiration, #Masculinity, #Misandry, #NarcissisticAbuse, #NPD, #Relationships, #Scapegoat, books, poetry, travel, writing
Behind the Mask: It’s all an illusion
How Narcissistic Family Systems Use Roles — and Why the Male Scapegoat Breaks the Spell

Halloween is the one time of year the world celebrates masks.
But for those raised in narcissistic families, masks are a daily reality — and they’re not for fun.

These family systems operate through illusion, performance, and control.
Every member is assigned a role, and stepping outside that role threatens the whole façade.

Common roles include:
- The Golden Child – the “perfect” projection
- The Scapegoat – the truth-teller, blamed and punished
- Flying Monkeys – enforcers of the illusion
- The Narcissistic Parent(s) – the director of the performance
Everyone is wearing a mask…
Except the scapegoat.

And that is precisely why he becomes the threat.

🎭 The Role You Refused to Play

Narcissistic families don’t want individuals.
They want mirrors, obedience, and emotional labor.

The scapegoat isn’t rejected because he is flawed —
He is rejected because he refuses to submit to a lie.

He won’t:
✅ perform for approval
✅ shrink himself for others’ comfort
✅ feed the fantasy
✅ abandon his identity
✅ be the emotional sacrifice forever

They don’t punish you for being weak.
They punish you because you were strong enough not to be controlled.

👻 When You Take Off the Mask

Once you stop performing and begin to break free:
- You set boundaries
- You choose independence
- You focus on your identity and purpose
- You stop chasing people who don’t see your worth
- You embrace self-respect over people-pleasing
The illusion collapses.

And when the mask slips, they panic.
Not because you harmed them —
but because you saw through them.

Your truth threatens their fiction.

🕯️ Light Always Terrifies Shadows

These families only hold power when everyone cooperates with the illusion.

When you step away from the role, you expose the truth:

They were never what they pretended to be.

Your healing is their loss of control.
Your boundaries are their defeat.
Your freedom is the only closure you ever needed.

You didn’t lose a family.
You escaped a performance.

🎬 Closing

This Halloween, remember:

Some monsters don’t wear costumes.
They wear masks.

And your greatest act of rebellion
was taking yours off first.

📌 Part 2 Coming Next Friday

Stay tuned for the continuation — and watch my related video on YouTube @SonintheShadows.
31st Oct 2025

#Consciousness, #Dark, #Energy, #Evil, #Fake, #Good, #Halloween, #Illusions, #Light, #Mask, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #Scapeogoat, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
Speaking Your Truth Leads to Negative Backlash Even if Indeed True

I have written about this earlier and in my ebook. Calling out the elephant in the room highlights the issue. It makes you seem like even more of a problem. You think you are the only one experiencing this. But, many men are scapegoated in narcissistic families. This occurs no matter their background, culture, or color. In a way the narcissistic family draws a lot of similarities to a totalitarian or communist nation. This is because there is a main leader, the head narcissist. Everyone else blindly obeys them, even if they do not want to. This causes negative repercussions.

Not the reveal my political opinions, but this is something that is seen today now more than ever. This is where certain figures have made specific statements. They have called out certain actions in society. As a result, they have been banned on social media platforms and even arrested multiple times.

It is something that is happening in a few countries, notably the United Kingdom. Also, I am not here to debate who is right or wrong. Yet, what is being shown is public figures are speaking their minds on topics some people would agree with. This is leading to perceptions of them being altered. It is a similar situation to going through a smear campaign where you’re demonized and portrayed in a negative light. A lot of prominent male public figures go through this, so it is not only yourself going through this. My message is to keep on going and speaking your truth, even if others get offended. Ultimately, you’re not responsible for their feelings. You’re only responsible on how your react to the backlash you get.

15th Sep 2025

#Belief, #Bravery, #Honor, #Integrity, #Scapegoat, #Strength, #Truth, #TruthTeller
Hot and Cold Communication: Covert vs Overt

I recently did a Youtube video this past Friday. In it, I discussed that when you break free, you experience different and conflicting types of communication. These come from the overt and covert toxic narcissists you grew up with or who raised you.

In some scenarios, you finally go no contact. The more overt person tries to use hoovering to bait you back in. They pretend to change and try to act like you’re being unreasonable. If this fails they become more aggressive in their tone and communication. It would consist of angry voicemails and long winded emails and texts. After some time, you hardly hear from them again. It as if they have just vanished. They sporadically return.

On the other hand, more covert individuals try to keep reaching out. They adopt a non-aggressive, calm, and casual demeanor. They act as if you speak to them regularly. It feels like you are just picking up from where you left off. Some of them would find an excuse just to contact you like happening to be in the same area. At other times, they can increase the level of contact. This does not necessarily happen every day or even every week. It can occur once a month or on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. As I mentioned on my Youtube video, their expectations are more deluded. They are unrealistic about the chances of you reciprocating.

That is it for now. Stay tuned for my next video this coming Friday @SonintheShadows where I discuss this in Part 2.

11th Aug 2025

#Baiting, #Boundaries, #CovertNarcissist, #Healing, #Hoovering, #NoContact

Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents"

Be Self-Accountable At all Times

Starting To Identify What You Do Not Want

Give Thanks to Who You Are!

Perfect Man Syndrome is Destructive!

Two Tier Rules….

The Patriarchal Scapegoat: How Matriarchal Narcissists Weaponize Masculinity

🔪The Misandric Cage—Why Narcissistic Matriarchs Despise and Control Men

The Lie That Built Our Prison

🎭 The Impossible Double-Bind

Demand 1: Be Subservient and Safe

Demand 2: Be Strong (But Never Independent)

🎯 The Son: The Living Proxy of the Enemy

💥 The Inevitable Downfall of the Matriarch

Your Path to Freedom

Behind the Mask: It’s all an illusion

How Narcissistic Family Systems Use Roles — and Why the Male Scapegoat Breaks the Spell

🎭 The Role You Refused to Play

👻 When You Take Off the Mask

🕯️ Light Always Terrifies Shadows

🎬 Closing

📌 Part 2 Coming Next Friday

Speaking Your Truth Leads to Negative Backlash Even if Indeed True

Hot and Cold Communication: Covert vs Overt